everyone is single if you try hard enough
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
