I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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