Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you never un-have a 4some
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
