yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
