I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
