forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
