SEEEEXXX PLEASE
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
