dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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