So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
