I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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