i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
false alarm. still invincible.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
