Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
