My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
