im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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