Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
