wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
