so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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