Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
