I just gift wrapped bread.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So many bounce houses so little time
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
