to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
