1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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