i jhust puked up my retainher.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
