walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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