I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
