I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize