A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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