I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
