Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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