Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize