He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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