i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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