Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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