can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
