Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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