So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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