It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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