Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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