did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
