I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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