I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
