Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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