my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
