I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends