we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family