ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
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She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.