True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dating After Heartbreak
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through