She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
