headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
