My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
