i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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