I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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