dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
