He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
