Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
