I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Shame is for Republicans.
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