College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she looked like the before picture.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
