He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
