i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
