My hand turned me down
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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