So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
