I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
