So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
