i jhust puked up my retainher.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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