He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
